Setting Limits

Setting limits before they’re needed is the best thing parents can do. If parents understand and agree upon values then deciding on limits becomes much easier. Parents have many more years experience than a child has, and they should not be afraid to define limits for their children.


When can she where nail polish, when can she have her ears pierced, when can she wear makeup, when can he start dating, when can he have friends in the car when he is driving? These questions are a few examples of the myriad of questions parents will face.

It is easier when children know beforehand what the limits are. It won’t stop them from asking to go beyond the limits, and maybe even being very upset, but children feel safer when they know that adults are being responsible parents. Good questions to ponder when setting limits are, “Is it safe, it respectful, is it legal, is it moral, and does it fit our family values?”

Within parent groups* it’s good to be the first parent to define limits. Often parents are intimidated because “other” parents allow things that they are not comfortable allowing. The first parent to speak out becomes the leader, and other parents who might have been more lax without such a leader may be more comfortable with more well defined limits. Being the first to speak out also allows you to set the trend. It’s more challenging when someone else sets the trend, and you have to go against it.

You also set a good example for your children when you are not afraid to speak out for yourself. It makes it much easier for your child to speak out. Imagine a group of teenagers hanging out together. One of them suggests smoking marijuana. If your teenager knows your values and his or her limits and has seen the effectiveness of speaking out first, he or she will know that it’s easier to be the first to say, “No, I’m not interested. It’s not safe, and there are health issues.” It makes it easier for the other teenagers to say “no” since they’re not the first. Imagine the challenge if everyone else says “yes” and you are the last one. He or she can still say “no” but it will be much more difficult.

“There is no freedom without limits.” “With freedom comes responsibility.” Maria Montessori
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*A parent group is a group of parents that have something in common. You may belong to several parent groups. If your child plays sports, the parents of teammates would be a parent group. A neighborhood parent group, a school parent group, friends’ parent group, children’s friends parent group are a few examples.